Five

The number of fingers it takes to wave goodbye. Or, to cradle your head in your hands when you might have made a huge mistake.

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I quit my job. After 13 years of working full time, I said goodbye to the quintessential working mom.

My career at this point really seemed like it was headed only up and up, but I put in my papers anyway.

Up wasn't necessarily the right direction for me.

This has been an unpopular decision. Some worry I have kicked a perfectly good career at a prime time, others call out my privilege. Some say working moms set the best example for their daughters, while others warn me against spreading my wings and becoming a helicopter mom.

But here's the absolute truth: On the scale of a work-life balance, the weight on my heart could never be lifted, no matter the skies my work would have me fly.

As my partner in life's crimes and what seems like the ultimate punishment (that of raising a strong-willed toddler), my husband gets it. He is the only one who looks at me and says - leap. She will never need you like this again. Take this chance. And it's not like he's holding out a safety net for me. He just seems confident I will land on my feet again.

I couldn't do it anymore. The expectation to be a fully functional person after less than two continuous hours of sleep the night before. A teething baby clinging to mom all night as if she knew their time together was about to be interrupted.

The 4 am wake ups for flights - where I'd cry on my way to the airport, but I wouldn't be able to explain to anyone what I was crying about. Yes, I was in fact grieving that one bedtime story I lost. Crying because one day she'll be reading all on her own.

On days I went to the office (around 2 hours away) - I'd always rush out by 4 pm and start to panic if it was any later. Bedtime routines are sacrosanct - and not only because they're fun. Only another parent will know what I mean. You do not hang around for a two-minute chat in the office corridor if you will have to compensate for those two minutes by skipping tucking Mr Bear or Mr Octopus to bed, or if Miss Owl would not be given a proper kiss goodnight. These are not risks you take as a parent.

But jokes apart. I'd feel guilty when I left work early, and guilty when I arrived home - knowing my work deserved a larger part of me.

But then, pulling out my phone in between work meetings to check the camera. It's nap time and I can see she's calling out for me, crying in the nanny's arms. It's park time and she's got one eye on the door, expecting me to walk through - she doesn't know I'm in another city. She thinks Mama comes when you call out for her. Simple. Also - Hamleys has no better customer than a working mom at the airport.

This decision to quit wasn't made overnight. I started to work from home, I started to decline all requests to travel. I eventually learned to speak the truth. To others: "I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to find the balance." To myself: "I know what this job pays, but I also know what this job costs."

The office was increasingly supportive and made space for my growing list of flexible work arrangements. I tried my best to do my part in return. But all my resolve would come crashing down when I'd hear her little hands banging on the door of the room where I was trying to do my calls. I'd avoid going to the washroom for fear of her seeing me and asking, "Mumma, call finished?" and I wouldn't know how to say, "Not yet." It doesn't take long for that baby's head popping up on video calls to go from "Aww, so cute!" to "Really? Still?"

Something was always tugging at my heart. Maybe it's the umbilical cord - they only cut it from the outside, remember?

I know, I know. Kids need to see their moms wear all their identities. I've read the Harvard studies, I know what you say moms need to do. But I also know what this mom needs, and what her heart says she needs to do. And the first rule of parenting is to listen to your gut. Mama knows best.

To be clear: I will be working. Just not in the way that I have, so far.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but there's no heaven more aligned than a woman reborn. The day I resolved to finally try doing this 'earning' thing differently, opportunities found their way to me.

I'm still figuring it out, and you'll hear more soon, but I know that my calling might be in helping parents bond better with their children, irrespective of the quantum of time you get together. Even while working full time, I found immense joy in signing up for different experiences with my toddler and have learned some magical ways to stretch limited minutes to lifelong moments.

As I get started on my new venture, I can't help but feel a sense of lightness. Maybe I won't just land on my feet. Maybe I will fly. And then, up will also be right.